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About me

Although pictures are worth a thousand words, I try to describe myself best with my surroundings: my thoughts on the virtual paper. And although I am at a loss for words, I wanna give you an impression of what, how and who I am. My life turned into a rollercoaster full of new impressions which will influence my further entity. WHO AM I? I am a shy girl trying to find her sense of life and climbing the social ladder by breaking new ground. Writing my thoughts means a lot to me as it is a means to prove myself doing the things I love: writing, beauty, fashion, being helpful and nice with everyone around me and living every day like it's my last. Sometimes my life is a mess and things don't go according to my plan.. but oh well, this means to live. HOW AM I? The best description I could probably give: I am off my trolley, addicted to superficial side of life, sensitive and kind, humble by nature but shallow by choice, sometimes a bit goofy and geek, but also determined, ambitious and I know exactly what I want but not yet how to get it. WHAT AM I? "To be or not to be" - is this really the only way to characterise oneself? Because then, I probably would be a "in-between" of almost everything. An ascending soul more than a stereotype, more committed than ever to make my life beautiful and with several interests than just a favoured issue. And though I am not perfect, I am perfect enough to be a person off the beaten track. And this is all that matters in the end. Any thoughts for me?

When I die

..remember me... with joy. With indulgence. I was a troubled soul. I never truly found my place into this world. I was searching all the time for approval, to know who am I, for people to love me or at least to care about me... to notice me. I was like a ghost who wanted to be seen. My whole existence was useless because I was too preoccupied to look for the meaning of life instead of living it.

Be easy on yourself. Always

Life happens anyway. Good and bad things will randomly come towards you. Its the ying and the yang, this rollercoaster of happenings that anyway you cannot prevent.

Today is about being easy on yourself.

I always think Im not as good as I should be, not as perfect as my parents would want me to be. I am full of flaws.. but still.. looking around me I see imperfection, I see ppl who make a lot of mistakes, rude people who tell stories of how rude they were at a certain point in time just because they were teenagers. And I realise its ok to have made mistakes. Its ok to fail. Its ok to loose yourself sometimes. But in the end, other than learning a lesson, its important to forgive yourself, to accept yourself as impefect as we all are.

Nothing can define you unless you let that thing become you.

So cold and empty (for my grandpa)

I love my grandpa. I cannot eve talk about him like he is not there anymore. I realised this too late.

So, they are saying that the only thing that we can be sure about is d e a t h. We all go there; sooner or later. But death took this is one of the most under appreciated family member: my grandpa. And I had no idea how much I love him while he was alive.

Writing this now, I realise that this pain will continuously be part of my life, there are just moments when Im not thinking of it, but the rest of the time it feels that I will never be complete ever again.

One part of me died with him, the little niece that looked at him with admiration, sometimes hating his guts but even then, I loved him unconditionally.

Another part of me woke-up since that day, and is so aware that this life will end and wants to do something really meaningful with every breath I have left. Its like a countdown to death and wanting to make the best out of this life. Same time, the pain of my loss is shadowing every small happy moment.

He really loved me, despite all the differences, despite all the mean words be both used sometimes. I hope I ll have a child someday and tell him/her stories about him..so his memory will not die with me.

I didnt attend his funeral, I couldnt have that closure, I didnt want to see him lifeless, that powerful man lying in a coffin... That wasnt the last memory I wanted to have about him.

People might judge me but no one really knows whats inside my heart. And I really dont care, no one is living inside my mind and holding so many grudges that sometimes are so overwhelming and hard to live with.

A wish..

That never came true.

The 2nd choice

I never wanted to be “one in a million” kind of girl, because I knew I was “once in a lifetime” kind of woman. Because I was passionate about the things those girls have never been. Everything or nothing - this is how I live.

I could never be “the second choice” or something like that. I had never been and never will be, but if he thought so, I’m not going to blame myself for that fact. I know he was wrong. He could never see my eyes, the sadness in it, my thoughts, the things I were passionate about. He didn’t deserve me but I don’t regret giving him a chance, at least now I know how to stay strong even when someone does everything to let you down.

I forgive you. I still care about the way you exist.

Notes to yourself

1. Know when to let go. Sometimes holding on to something adds the pain and sufferings.

2. Do not regret loving hard someone. Love without regrets. At least, you did your best.

3. One sided love is never worth it. It is toxic. It will poison your self-worth.

4. Some people are so good in making you feel that you are special and will suddenly drop you like you are a trash.

5. Never lose yourself in the process of loving someone. Always respect yourself.

6. When someone cheats on you, they do not love you. Because if they do, they will not do something that will hurt you.

7. Know your worth always. Never beg for love, affection and attention. If they love you, they will be freely given.

8. Never settle with a mediocre kind of love. Never settle for basic efforts.

9. No one has the right to make you feel unworthy of love and respect. You are amazing since the beginning.

10. Never allow yourself to be treated like an option. Never allow yourself to be treated like shit. You only deserve happiness.

So after a constant struggle, she finally did it.

No more sleepless nights for her. No more tears every midnight. No more sudden anxiety. No more chest pains. No more questioning about her worth. No more catching feelings. She did it.

She has finally let go of the toxic relationship that she was in. She has finally realise that it was no longer worth fighting. She has finally realise to love herself first. She has finally realise that she has to prioritise herself first.

She has finally let go of the memories of you. She has finally let go of the thought of you. She has finally let go of all the grudges and pain. She lose you but she found herself.

She is not bitter. She is even thankful of you. You made her realised a lot of things. She will remember you not the person she used to love but as a learning experience.

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About me

When I die

Be easy on yourself. Always

So cold and empty (for my grandpa)

A wish..

The 2nd choice

Notes to yourself

Cauta in blog

featured Slider

About me

When I die

Be easy on yourself. Always

So cold and empty (for my grandpa)

A wish..

The 2nd choice

Notes to yourself

Cauta in blog

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